Day 12: Dark Clouds on the Horizon… I Wish I’d Said Something!

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The problem is…

I speak up, I speak up all the time!  The older I get, the more I speak up, the more I speak up, the more trouble I can get myself into.  Sure when I was younger I wasn’t as self-assured, and I didn’t speak up, but  now…well, now I know who I am, and I can’t keep my mouth shut!  When I meditate at night, I meditate on patience, understanding, and keeping my mouth shut!

Throughout my life, with all the different hats I wore, I’ve always been a feather smoother.  When there was a conflict of some kind at home, or at work, I knew what to do, or how to cool everyone off, settle everyone down, and resolve whatever issues were at hand.  But, almost as soon as I stopped working, right that very minute that I retired, my skills vanished from reality!  No longer does it even occur to me to feather smooth, it’s the furthest thing from my feather smoothing mind.  In fact, before there is any feather smoothing going on, I usually have said something that makes the situation worse.  Honesty is the best policy, right?

When I was married to my second husband, boy did I learn lessons there,  our personalities shall we say clashed.  I was strongly opinionated, and he was very opinionated.  When you put two people together with their own opinions, and absolutely no wiggle room for discussion, what do you get?

Yep, you guessed it!

I have to admit, that’s probably where I really learned to keep my mouth shut.   The shut that I now have forgotten how to do!  After a while, I learned that it was futile to argue any point with a person who is beyond reason….and he was beyond reason!  So we got along because I learned to be quiet, and only fight battles that were important.  Not the listening part though , ’cause when someone like that rambles on and on you shut them out!

Here’s the thing…

When you live with an evil person, you quickly learn to maneuver in a relationship in an evil way.  Oh I wasn’t evil, but when push came to shove, I learned to operate the same way, and it was impossible for him to put anything over on me.  He had met his match, I had learned my lessons well,  big time!

When I met #2,  I had two small boys, and a home of my own.  My car wasn’t new, but it ran well, and was well maintained.  I was in my  late twenties, and working all day without any fun, it  was boring, and I was lonely, and lacking in the fun that everyone should have when they are young.  So what do women do in that situation?  They look for a bad boy!  You don’t have to look very far for bad boys, actually you don’t have to look for them at all, because they find you!  This one came riding in on a motorcycle, with curly, dark,  longish hair.  How they do that, I’ll never know, but I think it boils down to spotting someone stronger than yourself, and maybe needing someone in your life you can lean on.  (I’m being nice here because, I thought I was the needy, and doing the  leaning…)

I remember my Dad, and I had many heated, long conversations about how I was ruining my life by associating with him! We were at a standstill, and things between Dad and I were tenuous.  I couldn’t imagine why he felt that way, maybe it was the “Hell’s Angel” look, and attitude  that put him off…

I don’t remember how long it was before we got married, but here it comes……

If only I’d spoken up!  I knew I should have never walked down that isle, every cell in my body was screaming at me to STOP!  But, I thought that couldn’t be done because, invitations had already been sent, cake was purchased, reception was paid for…..  And………..how could I ever have faced all those people again?    I didn’t have the courage!

The entire thing was to save face!  I didn’t want to admit I had made a mistake, and I was going to show my Dad!   In our home growing up, my parents were both perfectionists – there were no mistakes!  We weren’t allowed to do anything on our own, without our parents consent, therefore alleviating mistakes.  In their eyes you only ruined your life,there wasn’t any such thing as a mistake, or learn anything from the experience – ruined your life!  Plain and simple…

Of course, anything any of us tried to do on our own, was a “ruin your life experience!”  They tried to tell me not to get married, but I had to do this.  After all I was starving for some fun, and someone to have it with, and let’s not forget independence.  A Bad Boy was just the thing I was looking for!  What I didn’t realize at the time was that there are bad boys, and there are BAD BOYS. 

There were good times and bad, but I can tell you that over the sixteen plus years, I learned oh so much.  I learned how to hold my own, I learned how to keep my mouth shut, most importantly, I learned to be strong, and stand on my own two feet!  Never in a million years did I  realize that I was the strong one in the relationship.

I wish I had learned to speak up before the wedding, but since I didn’t…what I did learn that was a “life altering experience,” and that was to stand on my own two feet!

Things happen for a reason, and maybe that was what I needed to learn from all those years… to stand on my own two feet!

 

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